The Sensational Benefits to Being More Loving by Matt Anderson


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After the mass shooting near my home on July 4th, it’s woken me up to the fact that I can’t stand idly by to learned hatred and darkness in our society. It’s made me want to counter such darkness by being a more loving person and learning more about how to do this (since it was never talked about in my house or at school).

It seems bizarre that any of us needs more reasons to be more loving, but unfortunately, as we all age, we can become jaded to the subject. It’s easy to get to a point where maybe we are content relatives with some love in our life (typically restricted to a very small handful of close and friends) and assume that this is all there is.

But this misses so much…

Love is infinite and deep and the more love you share, the richer your life will be. Why would you and I not want that?

Here are some of the benefits to being more loving:

1. You will love yourself more. Loving yourself is the start. Then you can love others and be loved.

It starts by knowing you are lovable. It’s really remembering that you are loveable – as you were as a newborn baby. We are more than a body, a self-image, and a story.

The challenge with being an achiever type is that it can be unhealthy if you’re always trying to prove something because you don’t feel good enough deep down. In his book Loveability, Robert Holden warns: “You keep trying to change yourself into something better, but nothing really changes because you haven’t stopped telling yourself: ‘I am not loveable’.”

Holden notes that self-love is natural, not shameful: “Self-love is a loving attitude from which positive actions arise that benefit you and others.” It realizes that you are love.

2. You don’t have to be perfect anymore to be loved by yourself or others, nor do you expect perfection in others.

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect; you love them even though they’re not,” explains author Jodi Picoult. We all need to learn that real love has no conditions.

Unconditional love is not about having one special relationship. “The goal of love is not just to love one person; it is to love everyone,” writes Robert Holden. I admit this is a big concept when you first think about it, but as our love for one person increases, our love for others increases too. Love is not a pie with just a few slices, and when we treat a relationship that way, Holden adds that it “leads to dependency, possessiveness, jealousy, neurosis, and ten thousand other forms of fear.”

3. “Oh, how a quiet love can drown out every fear.” — Jessica Katoff.

Fear dictates so much in our lives, whether we realize it or not. It limits us personally and greatly impacts our businesses and professional lives. It stops us from asking for what we really want and trying to reach our full potential.

A Course in Miracles teaches that there are only two basic states of mind: love and fear. Love is your Unconditioned Self (the one you are born with) and fear is your ego. Love is natural and fear is learned. Love can help you heal any fear. Each day we choose love or fear.

There is only one real fear: “I am not loveable.” This was an epiphany for me. This goes deeper than fears of failure and fears of success. If I am lovable, I can pursue what I love without fear of what happens. If I am not loveable, I will be afraid to even try.

Only your ego, your insecure self-image, is going to get scared about what might happen. But your ego is not the real you; it’s just an image. Your ego has been criticized in the past by unhappy adults, but it’s not the real you.

Challenge the basic fear “I am not loveable” with ‘who is afraid?’ It is your self-image – your ego – that is scared. There is no ego in love. Keep looking at the fear and, when you choose to love, you will see there is nothing to fear.

4. You will avoid your biggest problem: feeling separate.

Psychologist Erich Fromm believed that all our problems were caused by one basic problem: separateness and that the need to overcome this was our deepest need. The downhill slope begins when we first feel unlovable, then we feel that others don’t love us, and thirdly we make up the story that the world doesn’t care about us. Taken to the furthest extreme, it is what can drive some people to acts of violence like the shooter on July 4th. Fromm knew plenty about this as a German Jew who escaped the Nazis.

As author Caroline Myss said, “The cause of your suffering is you do not love enough.” In other words, if you want to stop feeling badly and to feel ever better, be a more loving person. Be the change you want to see. It’s be-do-have.

5. You will stop judging yourself.

“Oh, my friend,
All that you see of me
Is just a shell,
And the rest belongs to love.” – Rumi.

If you look yourself in the mirror and don’t feel good, you are looking at your judgments, not the real you. Well, your ego is judging you. It declares: ‘I am not loveable.’ It’s like you’re putting yourself in a courtroom to be judged all your waking hours – by yourself!!

Your Real Self does not judge you. Robert Holden explains: “The self you judge is not the real self; The self you love is the real you.” Can you imagine the pleasure of not judging yourself all day long? Greek playwright Sophocles articulated it well when he wrote:
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life, that word is love.”

Practice self-acceptance: this is the ABSENCE of judgment. When you judge, there is always another model of perfection to strive for (in vain) because the ego is never the whole you. The ego can’t survive without judging. To make matters worse, when someone else loves us, we can’t quite believe our luck and often end up making a mess of it. Holden notes that “the way we treat ourselves is how we end up treating everyone else.”

Look at yourself through the eyes of love. An Irish priest and poet John O’Donohue wrote:
“Your soul longs to draw you into love for yourself. When you enter your soul’s affection, the torment in your life ceases.”

Holden concludes: “When you stop judging yourself, the habit of gratuitously judging others will also stop. The more you love yourself, the more people feel loved by you. It’s how reality works.”

6. You can let go of negative emotions and consciously take more loving actions.

Once you stop rejecting yourself in the present because of past pain, you can get on with being a loving person today. Martin Luther King also learned this hard: “I have decided to stick to love; hate is too great a burden to bear.”

7. We raise each other up

In love no one is better than you. We are all equals. Knowing this, you don’t give yourself away because you put the other person on a pedestal. No one is more or less loveable.

8. “Where there is great love, there are always miracles.” — Willa Cather.

These miracles can only happen if each of us believes our voices can cumulatively make a ripple effect difference even in our own small part of the world: I it is our duty to hold stock in what Jimi Hendrix said: “When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.”

The real purpose of embracing more love is to know it, not find it. It’s to recognize that you are made of love and are deeply loveable. Three concluding remarks from Robert Holden:
“Love will show you the way if you let it.”
“Love is an inner journey home.”
“Let the love that is your true nature teach you how to love and be loved.”

To being more loving!
Matt
Matt Anderson
Founder & President
Matt Anderson International
1177 Oak Ridge Drive, Glencoe, IL 60022, USA
Phone: +001 (312) 622-3121
matt-anderson.com


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